What even is friendship?

Posted on 08 Sep 2023 @ 11:39am by Commander Kristiana Petrova & Ensign Unknown 'Weirdo'

1,852 words; about a 9 minute read

Continued from Cabin in the Woods

As he listened to what he said, and to the words behind the words, a realization hit him and he voiced it aloud, in his usual matter-of-fact way. "You are a very lonely person, commander, are you not?" Command was a lonely position, that was a given, but the position right beneath it, the factual bridge between the captain and the crew, could be just as lonely. The captain was still fairly new to this ship, he'd learned. And though many of the crew had shared harrowing experiences in the past, they at least had the benefit of being able to lean on each other and seek comfort there. With a command team, that rapport was typically with each other – but with the departure of their former captain, who did Kris have to lean on, and bounce her thoughts off against now?

Kris remained silent. How would she answer? How could she answer? Pride was definitely getting in her way here. Being raised the way she was by her father didn't help either. You didn't ask for help, that was weakness. You didn't admit weakness, that was - well, weakness. And someone in her position had to be strong. Strong like the son he wanted instead surely would've been. Instead she let out a sigh and cast her eyes downwards, contemplating her drink for a moment before finishing it and getting up. "I'm getting another drink. You want one too?"

"I'd love to, yes!" He leaned forward to pick up his glass and held it up. That silence just now had been much like the depths which held his memories: deep, dark, cold. He waited until the glasses were refilled before asking another question. "When was the last time you had fun? I mean, actually had a good time, together with others. Without an uniform, just being silly, making jokes and all that."

"Good question, and I get your point," Kris replied, returning to the couch with two new drinks, setting one down for him and one for herself before flopping back on the couch. "I got no family, no friends here - just professional relationships, someone who I represent to the crew and a crew I represent to the captain. What would you suggest?"

He picked up the drink again and lifted it in a silent greeting. "Barring R&R?" He wondered how many friends she had outside of this ship, back in Federation space, people with whom she could truly relax, and could guess the answer. "Maybe we should organise a night off for senior crew and have a party. No uniforms. No business talk. Dance, dinner, karaoke… something like that. Just a chance to forget ranks for an evening and get to know the person behind the uniform."

"Oh - no," Kristiana made a face, looking at him like he suggested she get a pet tiger. "What about me makes you think I like being around lots of people when I don't have to for my job?"

"Hm." He took another sip of his drink. "'Senior crew' isn't a lot of people in itself, but I see your point." He pondered some more, his long fingers silently tapping the glass. "Is there anyone on board you feel you have a rapport with? Someone you would like to know better, outside of duty-related things?"

"Well, you, really, are the only one," Kris examined her glass before taking another sip. "Which will become infinitely more complicated once you complete your training and get a rank," she added.

"Or maybe not, seeing that you know me first, and see the rank second," he replied easily. Ranks had their uses, just like names had their uses – names made it easier to differentiate between people, and ranks denoted a structure which was especially useful in times of stress, but he never really understood the importance either had in the minds of most people.

Kris shook her head. "That's not the issue. The issue is, say we get close, you get a commission and a situation arises where I have to order you into a dangerous, potentially deadly situation to resolve a bigger problem. Could I?" she took another sip of her drink, looking straight at him. "I don't know. But that's a part of why I don't get close to anyone under my command."

"You don't trust yourself enough," he summarised with a nod. "But you'll never know if you can or can't if you keep everyone away. And keeping everyone away leads to other problems, again bouncing around in your own mind. And round and round you go."

She shook her head again. "It's not just that. Regulation 1138 states 'Starfleet members may not engage in business or romantic relationships with superiors in their direct chain of command, inasmuch as this may be harmful to discipline and/or the functioning of the organization'," She gulped down the rest of her drink, making a face for a moment before continuing. "Where I am uncertain with you is whether I could keep viewing any real friendship between us as just that," she admitted, fueled in no small part by the drinks.

He smiled again. "So again it comes down to 'you don't trust yourself'," he said and sipped his drink. "We don't have a business relationship, nor a romantic one. Technically speaking we don't even have a relationship beyond one of shipmates, period, unless you want to call 'a few conversations and one interesting incident' one. So, just because I might pass the test and get a commission at some point in the future, whenever that might be, you plan to keep me at a distance along with everyone else because, good heavens, something approaching a friendship might occur." There was no irony in those words, no accusation – he might have described an interesting stellar phenomenon he'd seen outside in the exact same tone. "No wonder you're so lonely," he added, and all of the sudden his voice was surprisingly soft, gentle and kind. This was a whole other side of him, the side few people got to see simply because they didn't stay around him long enough to see beyond his eccentric, curious, chatty ways.

Her first instinct was to reply with snark, but she did not. He was right, she knew that much. How dare he be so right. Part of his words hurt, though. She'd considered him a friend of sorts, at the least. But he did not? "Yeah, well," she began, not really knowing how to continue so she remained silent for a moment longer. "I don't know how not to be. Never learned. Was never shown."

"Then experiment." He leaned forward, his eyes brimming with enthusiasm. "Explore how to make a friend. Forget about what I might become in the future. This is now. Let's do friend stuff. What is it what friends do?" In all fairness he had to admit that his own knowledge of what it was what friends did was limited to what he had seen from others and from movies and shows. "Hold long debates… That seems more of a Vulcan thing, come to think of it, so maybe not… Doing things together instead of alone, I think that's more like it. Oh, maybe a movie night, or a games night… Incidentally, I do think that organising something for the senior staff isn't a bad idea in itself, they could also do with some relaxation."

"Isn't that what we're doing?" Kris blinked, confused.

He grinned over the rim of his glass. "To a certain extent, yes. But thus far it's been more like… occasional meetings, or you checking in out of a sense of duty. The difference is that it would now be an actual choice to explore a friendship and see how far it goes. How far you dare to trust yourself. How far you dare to trust the other."

"Or maybe I've been using the guise of duty as an excuse," she smiled. Yep, definitely the drinks talking. Normally she'd never be this forward.

"Tricking yourself?" he said with a smile of his own. "Well, go with what works, I'd say." He leaned back again, crossing his long legs at the ankles.

"Convincing myself. Things are easier with a quantifiable reason," she offered, tilting her head slightly. "At least, for me. I don't think that necessarily applies to you. Which is one of things that - " a slight pause. Yep, that has been enough alcohol for the day. "Well, it's one of your good sides."

"Well, that's maybe the advantage of my disadvantage. I still don't really know much about myself, so there's little need to either convince or trick me." He didn't seem to be particularly disturbed by the notion. "So, friend activity date. When and what? You choose."

Kris blinked, looking a bit like deer caught in headlights. "Uh - ... You've already caught me doing two of the things I enjoy, shooting and training. They're not really 'for fun' things that are easily shared. The only other thing is, I like playing the bass. But that's also not a friend sharing thing, really."

There was that irrepressible grin of his again. "That's great! Training together was fun, wasn't it? And shooting… I'll need shooting lessons at some point, passing the course is a prerequisite for security." The grin faded for a moment, then returned. "And maybe we can try a few things together, discover some new hobbies along the way. Have you ever done orbital skydiving?"

"No, I have not. We can try that some time, sure. And we can run through some marksman training some time too, sure. As command level officer I can coach and grade you, so that works. We can make a sport out of it too, if you like competition. And sparring, yeah - that was fun," she smiled. "As for when - tomorrow, when I go off duty? I can always be called up if something comes up, but we can schedule a thing if you want."

He nodded as he finished his drink. "Sounds good! Just let me know when you're done and we'll figure out then what to do. What we're in the mood for. Training or diving or shooting or… no, maybe not a combination of those, doesn't sound like a good idea to start with." He bounced to his feet. "So, until tomorrow, then?"

She rose with a little bit less energy and enthusiasm, rolling her shoulders and stretching her arms a bit as she did. "Sounds good. See you then. Computer, end program." she added as she reached for her rifle, which remained even as everything else around them made way for the familiar grid lined walls of the holodeck.

He gave her one of those elegant, courteous bows. "Have a good evening and a good night… friend." And with that he left the holodeck, smiling to himself.

'Did I just plan a date, with a guy, in my parents old house?' Kris thought to herself, quirking a brow, before following him out.

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