What shaped me

Posted on 29 Nov 2020 @ 4:59pm by Commander Kristiana Petrova & Lieutenant Callisi Veera

3,018 words; about a 15 minute read

Mission: Ab Intra
Location: Petrova's quarters

Finally, she had some time to herself. Just her and the silence. Just her and her thoughts. Just her and her memories. Just her and -

Fuck.

Just her and her guilt. Just her and her loneliness.

She sat on her couch, though 'sat' is perhaps not the most accurate term to describe her slumped, slouched pose, thinking about everything she had done. She, though not her. Under the control of a strange, evil alien. But with her voice. And she remembered it. All of it.

A deep sigh. This wasn't gonna do. She needed a distraction. She needed a friend. And so she tapped her comm badge.

"Petrova to Veera. I could use the company of a friend, if you have some time. No ranks, just - ... Friends."

"I'll be there shortly." was the reply. It wouldn't take long, but the pace was casual, for someone to walk from their quarters to Petrova's. Eventually the chime rang. When bidden entry, Callisi walked in. Dressed in simple blacks, a black top, black pants, and a black sleeveless vest, the rabbitess managed to pull it off nicely despite it being such a simple ensemble. Her eyepatch matched, being a simple black. No rank, no uniform. Just friends.

"Is everything alright?"

"No. Just - didn't want to be alone with my thoughts right now," Kris quietly admitted. She was wearing a simple combo of sweat pants and a tank top, showing her well built, toned physique. Her quarters were at 70 percent illumination, and were somewhat spartan in their decoration. There was nothing in terms of painting or or portraits on the wall, just two small picture frames on her desk, one was a picture of an old farmhouse in the middle of a picturesque landscape, the other of two people, a stern man and a kindly smiling woman, about Kristiana's age.

On the wall, antiques, well maintained. A bolt action rifle, aged steel on wooden stock. A semi-automatic handgun. A one-handed sword. And a simple length of wood, cylindrical, about two centimeters across and a meter eighty long. Leaning against her couch was a high gloss black bodied instrument of sorts with a long neck and five thick strings.

"Come in, have a seat anywhere. Can I get you something to drink? Is the light level ok?"

Callisi gave a nod, understanding well the crushing weight of being alone. Her glance slid across the walls of her host's quarters. Barren and devoid of decoration. Not too dissimilar from her own. What was there drew her attention. Archaic weapons, handguns and personal weaponry. The length of wood and the sword seemed the most familiar to her, though the other devices had functions she quickly figured out. The photo was nice. A loving moment captured forever, and a location possibly important to Kris.

The musical instrument was most certainly not an implement of war.

"The light is fine, thank you. Federation standard tends to dazzle me a little but I get used to it. It's less of a strain now, thank you. As for a drink, some tea to start the evening." a soft smile crossed her features. She took a seat on the couch, and crossed her ankles. A relaxed posture, given her people were normally so formal.

Kris noticed Callisi's interest in the weapons, the picture and her bass. Truth be told, those were the only things of actual interest in the room, so it made sense that they caught the Ts'usugi's gaze. "That farm is where I grew up," Kris explained, heading to the kitchen area to prepare two teas. "It's mine now, but I haven't been back in so long, it's probably completely looted by now. Maybe I'll retire there one day, fix it up, spend my twilight years in my old home."

"The couple are my parents, but it's an old picture. It's the only one I have of my mother, though," Kristiana had her mother's soft features but her father's eyes. "Those weapons are old family keepsakes as well. I'm trained and proficient in all of them," she spoke, returning with two teas on a platter, offering one to Callisi before sitting down herself in a comfortable semi slump. "And that's my bass. It helps me think."

"I was born in the city. Well, *A* city, not *THE* city, but..." Callisi started, but shook her head. "The hustle, the bustle. I found the crowds comforting as a child. I felt like I was surrounded by friends and family, even though they were strangers. Silly, yes, but I was a child." a pause, letting her glance slide back towards the farm. "I never saw a farm until I had enlisted. Hunkered down in a field, your ears resting on the surface of the water, it felt good. Mom used to soak my ears whenever I ran a fever." a pause, "Dad tried it once or twice, but it wasn't the same. A lot of things weren't the same when we lost mom." A statement, no hurt or loss to her tone.

"I'll help you clear it out, if we ever get back there." a pause, "It's bad form to go into a combat zone alone, after all." a smirk, before she looked at the instrument, "I never had time to learn a trade or an instrument. As soon as I was eligible for service, I jumped at the chance. Career Navy, that was going to be my path. Injury landed me in reserves. Reserves landed me back in civilian life pending required reactivation. Or, I think the human term is... don't call us, we'll call you."

"I'd be happy to show you the farm. Tell you the tales, memories, good and perhaps less so," Kris mused, reaching for her bass, pulling her legs up under her on the couch and placing the instrument in her lap, ready to play. She considered a moment before idly plucking a melody, the sounds of her instrument sonorous and resonant, warm and thick. A bit melancholy, yet melodic. "Could always learn an instrument now?" she quirked a brow, looking at Callisi. "Take it as fast or as slow as you want."

"Sometimes the harshest lessons are the ones that we need to learn." she offered, a quote from a wise man from ancient history. "As for learning an instrument... I could, but I don't know which instrument would appeal to me the most." Callisi mused, "Music involves patience, and... that's not something I'm good at." she admitted, with a little shame. "Though I will listen if you wish to play."

"I could teach you. Though I only know the bass. And the guitar, I suppose - same principles apply," Kris mused, continuing to play. "When you spoke of a farm you mentioned water. Like, the swimming kind. Was there a pool? Or a lake of sorts?" she asked.

"One of our staple crops grows in wetlands. So water up to our knees." she tapped her knee, for emphasis. "Though, there are lakes and swimming holes too. We had a community pool where I was growing up, spent a lot of time there before I enlisted. Obviously after that, didn't have much time to swim. Well, not in the pool." she offered. "Recon training was staying hidden in a variety of environs. How Not To Be Seen, they called it."

"I'll consider your offer. About the lessons." she added. "Once I find something to my liking, and my temperment."

"That reminds me, I know very little about your people. Your culture, your music, your food," Kris mused.

Callisi gave a smirk, "We're a race of listeners, of thinkers. We enjoy our privacy, and the mystique that comes with it." a pause, "It's tradition to limit questions to three. Ancient Ts'usugi philosophers said it puts weight on each question, to prevent frivolous inquiries, and to make each question as important as the answer. Maybe even moreso." she paused for a moment, "But, being as we're rather far away from Ts'usu, I suppose breaking tradition won't hurt. What would you like to know about first?"

"You," Kris smirked, pausing her playing to take a sip of tea. "No specific questions, no specific topics. I'll happily listen to what you're willing to talk about. Best way to get to know someone, is learning what matters to them."

Callisi thought about the question, and her potential response. "I had to grow up fast, when mom was taken from us. I had to wait a few years to enlist, but as soon as I could I was in the office, ready to serve." a pause, "Service in the military is mandatory for us, but only one tour. Anything after that, we sign up for ourselves. I went from a recruit to a pilot, to a Blink pilot, to a Recon Pilot. Then from a Recon pilot to the reserves, then back to civilian life." she shook her head.

"My younger brother was happy to see me home safe. Took him a while to get used to my new look, and that's when I started wearing my patch all the time at home. Getting back into the swing of civilian life was tough, but when our two people made contact and the offer to serve again was made, I jumped at the chance."

"Father was surprised but pleased that I re-enlisted. Suuji, my little brother, was worried I was going to get hurt again. I told him that he'd understand when it was his time to serve, that a brave and smart Son of Ts'usu only gets hurt once." she paused, "From his point of view, I imagine it looks like I just left one day, and lost all contact. Gone." she paused to really let that realization hit, then she shook her head.

"But, most of that you already knew. From our chat on the planet surface..."

Kris gave a nod. She'd resumed idly playing an improvised melody on her bass. Like she'd said, it helped her think. "Perhaps, but there's meaning in what you chose to tell. Means it's very important to you. Very personal. Means you believe it helped you shape yourself, made you who you are. I just have one question," beat "What's a blink pilot?"

"Oh." of course they didn't know.

"So, Ts'usu never abandoned their sublight technology. The Emperor asked what the fastest means of travel was, and his personal science division invented the Blink Drive. Seventy Eight percent the speed of light for a fraction of a second. Hence, the blink part." she explained. "A later Emperor would later ask if the Blink Drive was the fastest, and they proved that it wasn't. That was the day the Ts'usugi truly joined the stars, but we never abandoned the Blink drives. We install them on fighters, on freighters, and transports to make the trek within a system quicker. They truly helped with commerce and transit between the home moons."

"Military fighters and transports, the recharge rate is very fast. Civilian models, not so much. Mom was on a transport when her shuttle was caught charging." she paused, "I was a blink pilot. Damn good one if I may. Earned my red." she paused, "Wing leader, element leader, I don't know the exact translation, but I was in charge of other fighters."

"Several fighters are led by an element leader, several elements together are under a squadron leader, several squadrons are under a commander air group, or CAG, in the Federation," Kris explained. "Blink drive sounds fascinating to experience. Though - I've had two questions. Gonna save the third for when I think of something particular," she smiled. "Meanwhile, do you have any questions for me?"

"The first Blink in a fighter hits everyone different. In a shuttle there's not as much of a personal impact, but when it's just you and a fighter, there's an impact. Everyone experiences it different. Some see nothing, some see glimpses of distant places, some live an entire life, others see nothing but death. It's a deeply personal experience, and not something to be shared casually." a pause, "A story for another day, perhaps."

"As for myself and my curiosity, I think for the moment I'll be content to learn about you through your actions. Learn who you are, rather than who I've seen masquerading as you." she added, further distancing Kris from the events previous.

At that Kristiana's expression fell a bit. Not much, very subtle, but it was there. "My actions, huh," she mused, slowing down her playing on her bass until she just set it aside and took another sip of her tea. "My actions are those of a woman who's starting to feel the inexorable march of time, who's road behind her is paved with regrets and bad relationships, who hides herself behind her authority so she feels a semblance of usefulness and who trains her body to ragged exhaustion with obsolete weapons in order to feel a semblance of control."

Callisi took a sip of her tea, absorbing everything Kris just said. Just admitted. "Time is something no one can evade. How we meet it is the judge of our character. You choose to meet it head on. You don't run from it, evade it, hide behind cosmetics and alterations. You are honest, in how you present yourself. Both in deed and in appearance."

"Your past is one of regret and bad decisions, but that's the path all of us leave behind. At the time we don't always realize it, but if something isn't healthy for us, we leave it and learn to recognize it. You say your past is paved with bad decisions, but how many times did you make one of those decisions twice I wonder." the Daughter of Ts'usu tried to peel away the layers of the intricacies of Kris. An old Ts'usu technique that she, oddly enough, was terrible at.

"You strive to feel useful. We all do. We want to look out on our life and see only the good. Only the positive. It's only natural." she confided. "Believe me, I know exactly how that facet of life looks."

"As for your desire for control, I counter that it's a desire for the familiar. We're never going home, and that fact doesn't sit well with anyone who considers it for longer than a moment. What you're looking for on the surface is control of your life, but you want what we all want: Familiarity." a pause, "The art of revelation. Some of my people are fantastic at it. We try to not say more then a gentle greeting to them." she admitted with a smirk.

"They're the kind of people that when you say 'Good morning' they inquire as to the nature of good and such."

Kristiana listened as Callisi spoke, though for some reason at the very end, she chuckled, her cheeks dimpling in a smile. "What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?" she smiled. "Quote from a centuries old book. I've always found it amusing. Sounds like something a Ts'usugi might say."

"You really are a listener. A thinker. Just to be clear though, I don't regret bad decisions. I stand by the ones I've made, even the bad ones. What I regret is the consequences of some of them. What I regret is circumstances. Making my father hate me, even more than he already did, by missing my mother's funeral. I was in the middle of a mission on the other end of the quadrant - there was no way I could've made it back. But that's not how he saw it," she sighed.

"It sounds to me, and pardon if I'm off the mark, but it sounds like your father's dislike of you was nothing you could change, and that he would find excuses to dislike you." she offered. "Even if you were there, he'd find a reason to dislike you."

Though, she offered a soft smile, "You know what you can't change though, and that's the important part."

Kris shrugged. "Could've listened to my parents and not joined Starfleet but taken over the farm. Would've been home, then. Whether I could've done something about it or not has little bearing on me regretting it or not."

"I feel if that were the case, you'd spend the rest of your life looking up at the stars wondering what could have been. There are as many stories written by my people as there are written by your people about those who wish to change their fate. Those who ask the question 'What if' so often, that it paralyzes them." she paused, "And, in regards to your statement about mornings, it does sound like something they would say, yes." at that, she giggled.

Callisi's giggle drew a smile from Kris as well, an honest one. Though she quickly turned serious again. "You're right, I would've spent my life looking up and wondering. That's why I don't regret choosing Starfleet. But I regret - perhaps lament is the better, more appropriate word, some of the consequences of that choice. There have been times that I've thought to myself, maybe a simple life, a farmer's life, wouldn't have been so bad really."

"Perhaps, or perhaps not. Even a decree from the Emperor herself can't change our past. Can't change who we are." she raised her tea cup slightly, "So, let's recognize who we are, at this moment. Friends, in the endless gulf of space. You are not alone, and I am not..."

Broken. Disfigured. Hideous. Damaged.

"... alone."

"Yeah, I can work with that," Kris admitted with a soft smile, but an honest one. She reached for her bass again, idly starting to play a sweet melody with the instrument's resonant, warm tones. "Thanks. For - coming over. Humoring me. Listening. Being a friend. Means a lot," she added.

 

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