MD1 SD 240122 - A Proposition

Posted on 22 Jan 2020 @ 11:23pm by Petty Officer 2nd Class Rajka Cindreth & Lieutenant Quinle Rahl

2,767 words; about a 14 minute read

Mission: Changing Faces
Location: Counselor’s office

Quinle was waiting for Cindreth to come for his appointment, she had received the permission she sought from Bran, but she was not sure Cindreth himself would want to do what she asked. Walking to the new addition in her office she looked at a painting she had hung earlier, her smile softening as she peered into the colors similar to those used in the paining she by the old Earth artist Monet. Taking a deep breath she focused on the depth of the colors and let them pull her into a calming place within her own mind as she held any nerves at bay from her idea.

Rajka made his way through the ship, mostly metaphorically dragging his feet on making the appointment. He didn't have much success to report to her regarding the calming exercises and...

...he'd made a decision regarding things. It was odd because, he actually felt better. For a variety of reasons, mostly the news circulating around the ship today. That he wasn't alone, that others had difficulty as well gave him a sense of peace. He just had to find all the pieces and fit them together then...well...he'd find his own peace then.

Finally arriving at the office, he waited for a repeat of the anxiety attack from his previous visit. When several long moments passed and there didn't seem to be a repeat of it, he hit the chime to announce his arrival and waited.

When the chime sounded Quinle called out clearly, “Enter.” She did not leave her place near to the doorway, her eyes left upon the painting, her nerves considering her upcoming proposal not showing. A slow breath through her nose practicing the breathing techniques she taught others to keep her own composure.

"Hello," Cindreth said, simply, not sure where else to start.

“Cindreth, please have a seat wherever you would like.” She turned from her view of her painting. “I have something I wish to discuss with you that I think would be beneficial but shall we talk about how the meditations have been going first?” Running her hands along her thighs as she walked to take a seat. She had shaded the window before his arrival to ease the panic he had felt the last time upon seeing it.

Cindreth stopped and stared at her. A proposition? They were kicking him out of security? Despite everything, that still stung him and reinforced how he felt. "What's going on?" he asked, feeling his heart beating faster. He didn't want to be anything but a security officer and he didn't want to get sent home in disgrace either. A broken man who couldn't even handle a little thing like one mission!

“Lieutenant Bran and I talked as I did not wish to start problems with me taking over his staff. The crew is struggling, more than struggling I think. Honestly we could be on the brink of a distrust in leadership that might be detrimental to all of us.” Quinle’s normally calm expression fell into one of distaste, “I need, we need, someone that can hear what issues we need to deal with from within the crew. Let’s be honest, no one really wants to talk around me as they worry about certain judgements, and they won’t talk around Bran as he is Bran. I need to ensure I a, getting to everyone I need to help, and we need to make sure the security of the ship is handled from within. You can do this perfectly I think.”

Cindreth chuckled at the comment regarding his chief because, well, it was a true statement no matter how you looked at it. He was who he was. But the humor left as she continued speaking. "You want me to spy on the crew?" he asked, aghast at the idea of it. "To snitch on people?"

Disregarding that was, basically, his job when there wasn't danger present, he still found the idea of it wrong. They weren't doing anything wrong, people should have their own problems and handle them in their own way. To have the ship's command demand absolute loyalty like this was beyond the pale.

“Not at all, I just would like a heads up if there is someone that is desperately struggling that hasn’t come to my attention. We... someone has killed themself and I never had a conversation with them, not one. No one came to me that the person was struggling, no one even hinted I should talk to them.” She took a deep breath and then lowered her head. “I failed them utterly.”

"Someone other than the doctor?" Cindreth asked. Word about what Finn did got around the ship pretty quickly. It was hard to keep something like that quiet since security wasn't the one that found him. If it had been security, it could have been hushed. But it wasn't. "You think there are others thinking about killing themselves?" he asked, staring at the edge of the desk.

“Ah yes, word does seem to pass quickly, no the CMO is exactly who I was speaking of.” Lifting a hand Rahl pushed back into place hair that had not been free in the first place, patting it down. “I should have been there for him, for any that need me, but it seems I am failing so many. It is why I need more help, and since you are not on full duty.” She stopped and lifted her head, “if you are not comfortable I understand, please do not worry about it. How is the meditation going?”

"Would it really be so bad?" Cindreth asked, still staring at the edge of the desk. "If other people ended their pain?"

Tipping her head to look at Cindreth with a softening of her expression that edged her back towards businesslike. “Yes and no, we all have pain in our lives, life is a string of challenges and learning from up them. People get faced with a challenge and just deciding they can not take a step forward again is a problem. What if every child who fell doing something stopped trying to do that thing again? How would they feel that sense of accomplishment in knowing that they faced a challenge and over care it?”

Her question came, then she leaned forward and explained the no of her answer, “People hurt, and sometimes the hurt is more than they can face and it is their right to choose how they deal with it. Yet it is my job as a ship’s counselor to try and make sure the crew can do their duties and be there for them if needed. As it is security’s job to ensure the safety of the ship and the crew and place yourselves in danger so others hopefully do not have to so much. I have failed in my duty and need to find a way to do better by every person on this ship.”

“Not only that, I care, I well and truly care, not just about duty but about the people that I live with in this community, not out of obligation but of a number of lifetime’s of experience.” Settling back again she smiled, “Every person on this ship matters to me, no matter what the job or what they are facing. I did not relish leadership in the department on my old ship, or here, not because I want to avoid responsibility but because I want to focus on the community we build.”

"But they don't want to be..." he started again. "You said it was their choice but you want me to snitch on them so you and Chief can take that choice away from them! I know what we do when someone wants to hurt themselves. We lock them up and force them into medication and 'therapy'. But if it's their choice!" he shook his head, blinking furiously, his body trembling. "If it's their choice, then why can't you just let them make it!?"

He looked away, muttering, "I know the Chief never will."

“I asked you to report to me, what I learn will not be told to Lieutenant Bran. Would never force anything on anyone, but I would just like to know if someone is in pain so I can offer my help more directly than waiting for them to come to me.” Quinle said easily, “But if you are not accepting of this, then I will let the matter go as I will not force you to help me either.”

Cindreth was quiet for several long moments, a visible effort at breath control happening while he sat somewhat still. Mentally, he realized he was stiff and was trying to force himself to relax. He wished he didn't have the blockers right now, he wanted to know her thoughts, what she really knew. His voice low and cracking as he spoke next. "You said you discussed this with Lieutenant Bran?" he asked, glancing up only briefly, his dark eyes haunted. "What did he say about the idea?"

“He gave me just approval to contact you for this, he didn’t give much of an opinion on it.” Quinle said easily, other than her worry that she had been showing for the crew nothing else was really in her mind.

"He didn't..." Cindreth shook his head but looked away from her while blinking rapidly. Finally, when that didn't work, he shoved the heels of both hands against his eyes. Finally after several long moments. "Some people may...with the CMO doing what he did, others may be closer to following suit." He muttered, his eyes reddening and puffing. "Especially as we're realizing that we may never get to go home. Maybe there's nothing left of hope."

He stared at the edge of the desk. "Didn't have any opinion on it?" he muttered. "After all he..." Cindreth shook his head.

She wasn’t the type to hide hard truths or her opinion about them. “No, we may never go home again Cindreth, but that doesn’t mean there is nothing left to live for. I would never stop anyone that truly wished to take their life but I would like them to know that I care.” Stretching out her ha da, flexing long fingers that had flecks of oil paint upon them. “There are stages of grief and I don’t think people understand that great change is like a death. Even if we hadn’t lost a single crew member we are now in a different place as our normal is shifting radically, that means we need to find ways to mourn what we have lost. You had to do some hard things and you are finding a new path. I would not stop you from being angry at the loss of what you were before, or for feeling despair for losing it. Each day we have a choice, to move forward or not, it is not a simple choice and some people do not want to keep moving. My job is to help people transition in their own ways and to support them in the choices they make. I will not impose my morality upon them, but I will let them know that I am here if they just want to talk.”

“Your Lieutenant in a hard man. He judges harshly, himself and others. He acts as though he doesn’t care but I think within he does. I think he would like you back on duty working for him but I hope all three of us know that will take time. This that I have asked you, comes from me alone and I was surprised he allowed me to ask it of you.” It was not her in-depth observation of Bran as she had more thoughts, but it was not her place to share them with others. “I do understand if you do not want to do it, to feel like you are betraying others who are also in pain. I just hoped that you would.”

"He hasn't even come to see how I'm doing," Cindreth muttered. Then, taking a deep breath, he looked straight at her. "I might have to stop taking my meds. To know for sure. If somebody was going to...get tattled on for thinking things, I want to know I'm right."

She paused for a moment, looking him over with a gentle look. “What is your job in security? To keep the ship and its crew safe? Instead of tattling, can you not think of it as protecting the crew?”

That got an actual laugh from him, possibly his first in days. "One of my TOs once said the only difference between Security and litlte old ladies is that we're not old ladies. But the butting our nose into other people's business, gossiping and 'tattling' are all pretty much the same. So, protecting the crew is 'tattling'. I'm just...I...I just don't know if I can handle it without the medication." Despite that he'd already decided he was going to stop it anyway. The constant reminders of the pain is what would give him the strength to do what he needed to do.

“If you are not feeling up to this I can see if someone else in security will take the task.” Clasping her hands together before her, “I just thought since you were not on active duty it would be something that would keep you busy. It is completely on a volunteer basis though, neither I, nor your Chief will order you to do this.”

"Chief?" he asked, looking up at her. "He's been talking to you, about me? Checking up on me?"

“Some, yes, I do not share details about my clients but he has shown concern.” She admitted. “We took the time to talk about this proposition for you. I did not want to ask you without conferring with him first since you are part of his staff.”

Cindreth remained quiet for a long time then, turning away from the window. "He wants me to do this?"

Quinle looked to him with a small nod of her head. “He did not object to it when I proposed it. We both agreed that knowing the health of the emotional state of the crew is important. He said it is not a job he would order you to do and we both agreed that it is up to you if you wish to accept it."

He swallowed against the lump in his throat while turning back to the window. "He's never come to check on me," he muttered, quickly blinking as if something were bothering both eyes. "If he wants me to do this, if you want me to do this, then okay." He took a deep breath. "I'll start by trying to take only half the meds to see if that's okay but..." he trailed off. He was trying so very hard to keep his bearing and composure, not to let weakness rule him even though it was right there and very much tearing him apart. "I'll do what I can."

“I do appreciate it, it will help me a great deal.” She spoke slowly. “Take care of yourself though, if you need your meds take them, I can find another way. I just thought this was something you had trained for with being in security.”

"I'll be fine," Cindreth said, having said the words so many times to others and himself that they lost any meaning to him. "And if I'm not, well, I've got you for support, right?"

Quinle smiled at him now, “Any time you need me, day or night. Again thank you, and I hope you find no one at all. Sometimes a counselor’s job shows the health of the crew in times when they have free time.”

"Yes, ma'am," Cindreth said as he stood. "I'll report in when I have something to report. If there is nothing else?"

“Not for the moment but I will see you soon for your normal appointment.” She rose and met his eyes, “You are really doing me a great service in this, and the crew as well. I do hope you have nothing to report but people reacting within reason to the chaos of change and mourning weaved together.”

Cindreth shrugged. "Yeah, hopefully," he said. He stopped for a moment, appeared to be on the verge of saying something, then shrugged again and made for the door.

 

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