The Icy Coldness of Space

Posted on 25 Jan 2022 @ 2:45pm by Commander Indi Hawk & Lieutenant Commander Cintia Sha'mer

4,162 words; about a 21 minute read

Mission: Past Prelude
Location: MU

In another time, in another place…

The setting was a different one, a starbase. One of the bases on the outer edge of the Union, in what once had been contented space but which was mostly empty now. Sometimes months went by without any ships visiting. At other times, on the other hand, there were brief flurries of activity, when ships of all shapes and sizes came around.

One of those ships was a small courier-class, about the size of a runabout in another universe but sleeker, with more room for engines and less space for people. It carried only one person, who docked the ship efficiently instead of opting for a spot in a landing bay.

The person who stepped through the airlock wasn't as sleek or efficient as the ship she'd just left. Dressed in black, with short curly hair in various shades of brown and dark eyes, yes. But she walked with a heavy limp, leaning on a cane. She appeared to be in no hurry at all as she made her way through the station towards one of the lower levels.

The station itself was old and had definitely seen better days. The lifts which were supposed to run through it were rickety and sometimes didn't work at all. So she made a more leisurely tour, slowly descended from deck to deck.

The heart of the station was a strangely lively place. A larger ship had recently docked here and its crew had taken the occasion for shore leave, flooding the few bars and restaurants this station had. Sha'mer steeled her mind against the sudden influx of thoughts and impressions and tried to weave her way through the crowd.

Sha'mer sat down at the nearest place, a small bar run by the seediest Cardassian she had ever seen. The greasy man moved her way with what he himself undoubtably thought of as a suave swagger, but which made him only appear to be half-drunk. Which, considering his smell, could well be true. "What can I get you?" he said with a smile which revealed rotting teeth. His breath could knock down a targ.

"Raktajino," Sha'mer said curtly. Surely even a man like that wouldn't be able to screw that up. She looked him dead in the eyes until his grin vanished, which didn't take long.

"Not many people want that."

Now it was Sha'mers turn to smile and hers was, for all her slight statue and limp, far more intimidating. "I'm sure you can figure it out."
The Cardassian physically recoiled one step, then straightened and attempted his smile again. "I'll… see what I can do," he said and disappeared in a hurry.

Now that she had a moment for herself, Sha'mer concentrated. She filtered out the minds around her, one by one, sorting through the shimmering threads around her to see if that what she thought she had perceived was indeed here or just a memory. And if so, what had triggered it?

Before she could finish, one of those impressions she caught made her come to a sudden stop. Something, no, someone. A familiar mind. Or was it just imagination? A triggered memory which just seemed to emerge from outside?

Another heart of the station, albeit not so much in the lower levels, just more protected in the central core of the station, found the command section of the entire sector. A desolate sector, so the title of Sector General didn't mean all that much. Usually, it was quiet and and as such also considered to be a posting for officers having fallen out of grace. Right now, Major Sheperd had the dubious honor of being the Sector General.

It suited him just fine overall, because the brass usually left him alone. But, a couple of days ago, he'd received the message that Captain Hawk had docked unexpectedly. She'd used the sneaky brass tactics of using a civilian ship to not have to announce her arrival. Those were the worst of all.

At that very moment, the Captain and him were involved in a heated discussion about the alledged lack of Security protocols. Indi was angry, mostly because she had to travel all this way to the middle of nowhere, and had found the perfect outlet in the Major's lack of.. well.. anything, really.

Sha'mer sat down at the nearest place, a small bar run by the seediest Cardassian she had ever seen. The greasy man moved her way with what he himself undoubtably thought of as a suave swagger, but which made him only appear to be half-drunk. Which, considering his smell, could well be true. "What can I get you?" he said with a smile which revealed rotting teeth. His breath could knock down a targ.

"Raktajino," Sha'mer said curtly. Surely even a man like that wouldn't be able to screw that up. She looked him dead in the eyes until his grin vanished, which didn't take long.

"Not many people want that."

Now it was Sha'mers turn to smile and hers was, for all her slight statue and limp, far more intimidating. "I'm sure you can figure it out."

The Cardassian physically recoiled one step, then straightened and attempted his smile again. "I'll… see what I can do," he said and disappeared in a hurry.

Now that she had a moment for herself, Sha'mer concentrated. She filtered out the minds around her, one by one, sorting through the shimmering threads around her to see if that what she thought she had perceived was indeed here or just a memory. And if so, what had triggered it?

To most telepaths, and thus even more to those that had touched her mind before, Indi's mind wasn't hard to spot right then. Her anger was by no means contained, not verbally and not in her mind. The difference was that she wasn't a telepath herself. She wasn't trained in controlling her mind. She had no idea what she was broadcasting. She'd have to learn at some point. Now, however, her annoyance at the chain of command, her annoyance at this remote sector, her annoyance at the entire Union, her annoyance at life itself, was clear to anyone who listened. If the wrong people would be doing so, well, let's just say she'd be in a world of trouble. Especially the thoughts about the Union and its inefficiency.

"Yes ma-, lady, sir," the man stammered and fled. She took no pleasure in his departure. She had found what she thought, a bright flame of a mind, someone she had encountered before, in a place where only each other's presence kept them sane. But what, in the name of stars and sanity, had brought that woman, the owner of that mind, to this distant corner of the galaxy? Sheer coincidence? Fate? Sha'mer didn't believe in fate or destiny. Life threw people curve balls and one had to adapt to it, that was all. There was no such thing as 'it was written in the stars'.

But it seemed that her mission to this dump had suddenly become more interesting than she thought.

Indi had given up on trying to get through to the Major. She'd left him where he stood, had turned on her heels and marched out of the command section. That didn't exactly leave her with much places to go. She didn't think fuming in her assigned quarters was a good thing. Being this angry had felt good while she had someone to take it out on, but now that she was alone again, she didn't need it. Quickly deciding where to go, she shifted pace mid gear and headed to the closest bar she could find.

Once inside, it didn't take a genius to recognize the familiar shape. It stopped her dead in her tracks for a moment. The next moment, she considered turning around and heading out again, but she realized that that was probably too late by now. So, instead, she approached where the woman sat. "Hello, stranger."

Sha'mer hadn't planned to make the first move. It had been Indi who had left her, not the other way around – not quite running, but certainly not walking off calmly, either. Sha'mer had never blamed her, or herself. Sometimes things worked out, sometimes it did not. Such was life. But it wouldn't have been fair if Sha'mer had been the one to seek her out now, it would've seemed… what, too desperate? Pathetic, maybe.

But here she was, and Sha'mer couldn't deny the the fact that something which had grown still and cold inside her now came to a tentative kind of life again. It wasn't that she was aiming for something as loftily as love. Just a kind of friendship would be nice. Any kind. "Hi," she said with a faint smile. "Fancy meeting you here."

"Quite unexpected," Indi agreed. Unexpected alright. She hadn't planned seeing her here. She hadn't planned heading over to her once she saw her. She hadn't planned talking to her once she had headed over. And yet, here they were. She hadn't forgotten their last encounter either. How she'd run away from something she didn't understand. Didn't want to understand. Wasn't ready for. None of that had changed, and yet, here she was talking to the 'stranger'.

Now what?

"So… what brings you to this corner of space?" Sha'mer asked. She looked around for the proprietor of the bar. The Cardassian oozed closer, torn between his desire to stay as far away from Sha'mer as possible and the urge to ensnare another customer.

"Can I serve you something to drink?" he asked. There was a slight tremble in his voice, spoiling the saccharine effect.

If she said yes, it'd mean she had to sit down and drink it. Indi glared at the Cardassian with the same anger she had felt just scant minutes before, blaming her for putting her in this position. "Vodka. Grey Goose," she said, making up her mind. Considering her options to sit down--across from Sha'mer, next to her, table next to her, a couple of chairs over--she finally sat down across from her where she could keep the best eye on everything.

"Ohh, the lady has great tast-" The Cardassian began, but broke off at a curt glance from Sha'mer.

"Another raktajino for me," she said. "Make it stronger this time."

"Yes m-, lady, sir-" The Cardassian scurried off. Sha'mer snorted softly and waited to see if Indi would answer her question.

The question wasn't lost to Indi, but at least she'd bought herself the time to sit down, consider the question (which was answered easily enough), and buy some more time before the next part of the conversation would happen. "The Sector General isn't quite living up to expectations. And that's saying something, as the expectations for this sector can't possibly be set any lower."

"So you're sent here to whip him back into shape?" Sha'mers eyes roved around the station's heart, taking in their surroundings and the people and minds around them. The Cardassian hurried over, set a wodka in front of Indi and a steaming mug in front of Sha'mer and hurried off with a quick smile which never reached his eyes. Sha'mer picked the mug up and looked at Indi from over the rim.

Indi shrugged. "Something like that," she spoke, the sound mostly muffled inside the glass she had raised to her lips. She didn't like most of what the Union made her do. But, she didn't have any other choice. Sure, she could go mercenary, but that idea had never held much appeal to her. So, here she was, trying to whip a Major into shape who had no intention to ever comply to Union rules.

"Hopefully it'll be a shorter assignment than the one on that hellhole of a planet." After Indi had left, Sha'mer had remained there for another two standard months. The only reason why she hadn't gone insane herself there was because it was still a pleasant place compared to some other spots in the Delta Quadrant where she came from. At least this time, when she left, the place was still standing. Though if she had been asked to remedy that, near the end, she thought she'd gladly have fulfilled that order.

"I should be headed back to HQ at the end of the week," Indi confirmed the length of the assignment. Why had she run away the last time they'd met? Too much too suddenly? But still, it hadn't been all bad. She'd been tempted. But still, it had been too much too suddenly. Too kind. She wasn't used to kindness. For the first time in a very long time, she allowed her mind to wander into the dark depths she'd kept locked up for years now. A short stroll. And yet it seemed to last an eternity. She had a hard time pulling...pulling...pulling herself back to the present. Eventually she managed by downing the vodka in one gulp that burned her throat. How much time had passed? She had no idea. Moments? Seconds? Minutes? Hours?

"HQ? That's where you're based?" Sha'mer asked. She kept the conversation intentionally light, neutral, leaving it up to the other woman how much – or how little – she wanted to say. She also kept her mind carefully away. That last time, that last encounter… she had said too much, spoke too many thoughts allowed, showed too much of herself. A sense of camaradery had made her assume too much, assumed a friendship which probably had existed mainly in her own mind. She woudn't make that mistake again.

"HQ?" Indi repeated. Oh. Right. "Oh, right," she sounded dumb to her own ears. Repeating everything twice. With a deep sigh, she longingly peered in the now-empty glass. "Yeah, my office is at HQ. I'm still overseeing most of the Security installations throughout the entire Union. It's apparently the main job of a Deputy. It's at least better than pushing papers all day every day. Now it's just all day every other day."

"Ah well, that's the trade-off for a stable base of operations." Sha'mer followed Indi's gaze down, noted with some surprise that her own raktajino had evaporated as quickly as Indi's drink had and beckoned the Cardassian closer with a curt wave. Without words she pointed at the empty drinkware. The greasy man nodded and came back a few moments later with refills. Sha'mer waited until he was gone before resuming. "Me, on the other hand, I just get send off to all kind of places with barely a rest in between. Less paperwork, but it would be nice to just sit back and relax, once in awhile." Like they were doing now? Yes, sort of, but then maybe in a place a bit nicer than this one.

She didn't want to dredge up their last meeting, but Indi couldn't help herself. "I'm...sorry," she said after another long pause during which the importance of both their jobs seemed to melt like snow. Jobs weren't important. The people in your life were important. Who did she have in her life? Nobody. By choice? Maybe. Somewhat. To keep herself safe. But what was that safety costing her? It saved her from a broken heart and so much more, but it also kept beautiful things out of her life. Or isn't that what they said? That you had to let people get close in order to see the gifts life had to offer? "I'm sorry for how I reacted the last time we were together."

For all her mental talents, Sha'mer hadn't seen this one coming. "You're sorry?" she said, startled. "If anything, I should apologise. I shouldn't have put that pressure on you." She couldn't help the fact that a bond between them, a mental link, had begun to grow. What she could have done – what she *should* have done – was keep her mouth shut and keep her distance.

"Thing is..." Indi started, faltered, fell silent. Only then did she take a moment to contemplate what Sha'mer was saying. She genuinely seemed sorry to have done that. Indi wasn't used to that. Why would anyone feel sorry to do exactly what they wanted to do in any given moment? It didn't stroke with anything she'd seen in her life. "Thing is," she tried again. "Things haven't always been easy." Lame.

"True," Sha'mer replied neutrally. She wondered where Indi was going with that comment. Of course, she could find out easily enough, but she had made a promise to the other woman.

Indi wanted to say more. Wanted to get it out there. Wanted to tear down some of the walls between them. But no words came out. Instead, she downed the second vodka. She opened her mouth to add to her last statement, but, nothing. "I should go," she heard herself say instead.

No, don't go! Sha'mer wanted to cry out those words, but this time she didn't. She had tried that once before and look what that had gotten her. "Of course," she said instead, careful not to let anything show on her face. "I'm sure you have your work cut out for you here…" But her hand gripped the mug hard enough for her knuckles to turn white. "I'll be here for another few days, so if you want to…" Do what, Sha'mer? Talk about the fond memories of their time together on Ragnid III? Oh yes, of course. "I don't know, rant about lazy or stupid Sector Generals or something, hit me up."

But the Captain didn't get to her feet. In fact, she didn't move at all. What did she want to say? What did she need to say? What did she want? Indi's mind reeled. Just like it had felt the last time they'd met. There was something between them. Was is that fingertip that traced her to the other side of the galaxy now? No. She didn't believe that. Then what was there? Did Sha'mer need the truth before this could go somewhere? Or could the truth be told afterwards without ruining everything? She'd never been in this position. Didn't know what to do. She didn't want to go. Not this time. Whether it was a conscious decision or not, she would never know, but she started talking. Softly and slowly at first. Faster as the story picked up. And she didn't stop until she had told.. everything.

Sha'mer listened in silence, without interruptions, as the woman on the other side of the table bared her soul. Indi was fully open, no hint of any mental warning sign. Sha'mer heard her words twice, once with her ears, the other directly from mind to mind. They echoed within her, stirred memories of her own which she'd rather forget, memories which now began to cry out to be shared in turn.

There was a silence when Indi finally stopped talking. Not even the slimy Cardassian had dared to disturb them. He had appeared but once, very briefly, to set the tray on the table, then hurried off. The tray contained a whole bottle of vodka with an extra glass, and a large pot of raktajino with a bowl of greenish grainy stuff that Sha'mer took for sugar.

"Thank you for sharing this," Sha'mer said at last. The words themselves felt as lame as she was, limp and insufficient. But if that bond which at one point had begun to grow between them had opened again (and Sha'mer didn't dare to check), then Indi would feel the sentiment behind them, the acceptance of the other's dark past and hidden scars, the recognition.

By the time she was finished, Indi had little reality left. It was hard to remember who she was, where she was, with whom she was. It didn't seem to matter. She heard a voice from the distance, but it was hard to focus on it. Inside her mind, she thought she was sensing things that weren't her own. But they were confusing. They were very similar and yet very different from her own feelings.

One step at a time. Steeling herself, she focused on looking around. The first thing she noticed, which didn't really require any answer to the who or where, was the bottle of vodka. It wasn't hard to pour herself a glass and down it. It seemed to help. It seemed to ground her somewhat. Another attempt to look around focused on the person sitting close to her. So, that's where the words had come from. What were the words again? It doesn't matter. She just wanted to vanish now. Didn't want to think about anything she'd told. Didn't want to admit she'd told anyone. But it was too late for all of that.

This time Sha'mer didn't break the silence. She moved one hand closer to Indi's stopped it just shy of touching her. Lines from a poem, written long ago, echoed in Sha'mers mind.

These are the raw
nerve-endings
now exposed
for all to see

A single blow
A single word
could kill me now

A single word
A single smile
would heal me…

The first part was certainly true. Sha'mer wondered if the second part was equally true. And if so, would she know the words to heal? Once she might have been. But that was in a past even more distant than the poem.

Without realising it herself, she recited the lines.

The words echoed in Indi's mind more than she could hear them outloud. Definitely true on the first part. Hence her strong sense right then to run away from everything and everybody. The only way to stop someone else from killing her, was by being first. Running hard. Running fast. Running far.

Could the second part be true? Was there healing? Isn't that what she'd been trying to do for years? Isn't that the part that had made her run away in their last meeting? Was she afraid somebody could offer the word or the smile to heal her?

Maybe.

"I didn't mean to tell you all of this," she finally whispered. But even if she hadn't meant to, did it feel wrong? No, it didn't. But not quite right either. So vulnerable.

"I know." Sha'mers voice was low, quiet enough that it wouldn't be heard by anyone but the person who sat with her at the table. "Sometimes there's just this… compulsion, as if something deep inside you pushes an override button and just takes over…" Her mind, meanwhile, sent It wasn't me. "I've learned to trust those compulsions over time. Though I rarely like it when it happens, it has yet to prove me false." And what about that last meeting on Ragnid III? her mind taunted her in a deeper layer. Hasn't that proven you false?

To which another thought countered: Maybe, maybe not. After all, we're still sitting here, aren't we?

Don't tell me you've suddenly started to believe in fate bringing you together after all.

Hardly. But coincidence might, and now… here we are.

Yes. Here they were, and everything hung in the balance. Again.

She looked up, focused directly on Indi for once – the only person she knew who could withstand the full force of her gaze. "Would it help if I told you mine?"

Indi shook her head. "That's not up to me to decide," she spoke. She'd never tell anyone to do anything, even if it could possibly help her. In this case, she had no idea if it would help or if it would make things worse. She wasn't going to choose. Couldn't choose.

Sha'mer gave a slight nod, as if she hadn't expected anything else. "I'm willing to tell it. But not here." Not in full view of everyone. Not where her mind was assaulted by so many others. She wanted to go to a place where she could lower her own shields and be just as frank with Indi as Indi herself had been with her. "Do you have quarters on this station? A place to stay? Or we could go to my ship." That might even be the best place, docked as it was far away from the crowds.

"We can go to your ship," Indi agreed. She wanted to choose her quarters. It felt safer. And yet, it didn't. That ship was maybe the safest place there was on this station, she didn't trust nobody having bugged their quarters.

The crowds in the station's heart were thicker than before now, it was nearing dinner time and both the station's personnel as well as visitors from the starship were cramming the deck, looking for a place to eat. "Fuck all this," Sha'mer muttered under her breath and pulled a small communicator from her pocket. "Sha'mer to Imperial Star, two to translate." The station faded away around them.

 

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